The Uncle's musings

My sister’s wedding was a grand affair. She married in a church the size and grandeur rivaling that of Notre Dame itself. The stain glass windows, the fine marble, the high arches and pillars, the intricate sculptures, the detailed carvings in stone walls, and the domineering feel of immortal grandeur all served as the stage for Lily’s greatest show. My little sister had always fancied herself as an actress, an director, an producer, an artist, and all other positions that fall in that vein. She would put on shows for our little family from the age of 5 and she never lost her enthusiasm for it. My mother and Father adored her for it and to her credit she is an actress with a leading role in a semi successful series. It came as no surprise to me that she made her wedding into the grandest show she’d ever put on. It was fortunate she’d married a wealthy man. The reception hall, with its crystal chandeliers, tall glass windows that looked out on green gardens, ornate wooden tables covered with gold dishware and cutlery all for devouring the expensive and exquisite food which included lamb, veal, chocolate truffles, macaroons, and all manor of rich deserts I couldn’t name, reminded me of a palace straight from a fairy tale. I have no doubt that had been Lily’s every intent. On that day among all the pomp and pretentious splendor I met Kate.

****

“Mr. Allrin let me ask you something.”

The declaration, for it was not an request, stirred me from my wandering thoughts. I turned my head toward Dr. Poise.

“Mr. Allrin what is your goal in life?”

“My goal in life?” I was perplexed by the odd question.

“Yes, what is your goal in life? What is it you want most out of life? Are you a man of faith that you want to live a life that will secure you a place after you die, or do you simply seek to fulfill some dream here and now?”

The question struck me as such a curious line of inquiry that I failed to come up with anything. Was this really what he thought we should talk about? Shouldn’t his line of inquiry be more about my current situation; the one that had landed me here. I let the silence hang as I thought about my answer. Had this ever been a question anybody had ever asked me? Better yet had I ever asked myself this question before?

The Doc read my hesitation, “It is a funny question isn’t it? I have found many people can’t answer it without some serious thought. So please take your time.”

I let my eyes study the man across from me. The Doc sat leaning forward, his small dark eyes ablaze with a fervent light. His mouth had spread into a wide grin which reached his large elephant like ears. A white shirt hid beneath his blue sweater vest and khaki pants sat atop brown loafers. A small red bow tie completed the ensemble. The man’s eager manner and dress fit his profession perfectly. All that was missing was a pair of spectacles.

“I don’t know, doc.” I answered. “I’ve never really thought about having a goal for my life.”

“Well, Mr. Allrin…..”

“Please doc call me Jensen,” I interrupted him unable to take it anymore. “This is our second session you don’t have to be so formal.” His constant use of my surname made me feel on unequal footing with the man. Somehow it made me feel like some child wearing an adult’s body.

“Well than Jensen you must call me Eustace.”

I nodded in response.

“Very good, now Jensen it is a question you really ought to consider at length. Life needs direction, it needs purpose. I have found a simple goal is best. You might start by aiming to be happy.”

Well of course I want to be happy, after all who wants to be miserable. The thought nearly made itself known, but I managed to stop it. How had my friends talked me into this? I gave the doc another nod and he continued.

“Now Jensen when we were talking earlier you mentioned you had received a text from Kate. Did she want to meet?”

“She did, but I don’t really want to. I’d rather just not…” I replied lamely knowing he was going to pursue the issue anyway.

“Jensen ending a relationship, such as the one you had with Kate, needs closure. I’m sure you have plenty you wish to say to her.”

“No not really, I’m good. She said plenty the night it ended.” In my mind Kate and I were a done deal. There’s not much to say after the woman you’ve been dating for close to two years suddenly decides she can sleep with other men. It would have been one thing if she had given a hint that she was unhappy, but I could not have been more blindsided. Although according to her I should have. She told me as much as I grabbed a couple of my things from her place and left. What had she called me? A coward? Who couldn’t even get angry at her right?

“Jensen I know you attend these sessions in order to alleviate the worries of your friends and family who advised you to me, but could taking my advice really be so bad?”

I was never going to be able to forgive myself for how I had acted in front of Lily. My sister, the peace maker, had come by after the break up to berate me for my disappearing act. She said it was unhealthy to just act like Kate had never existed and to drop all contact with her, but it had been the only thing that helped. Here I am, talking to a stranger. I am failing to see how talking to him about it is going to help. Of course Lily had offered to listen, but I feared hearing what she had to say in response. Having the perfect sibling be younger than you can be quite infuriating.

I could not keep the disdainful skepticism from my face. I failed to reply and I let his question hang in the air like a bad odor.

After a time he finally spoke, “Jensen I don’t think I can say that you have made any real progress until you lay this problem to rest.” His smile returned. “What do you say, willing to give it a shot?” I bit my tongue while a million voices spat spiteful retorts. Maybe everyone has a point and I do need to talk to her. One calm voice reasoned within me.

I imitated his grin with my own and reached for my cell phone.

****

The rain seemed to want to drown the world that day. It had started early in the morning and showed no signs of letting up. Kate had, of course, picked a Panera. I have always been a diner person myself. I mean after all if I’m going to drop eight dollars on a sandwich it should taste greasy and delicious; not to mention that it should come with fries. Panera’s only redeemable quality is its coffee. I bought a cup and filled it with the medium roast. I picked a table close to the door and sat. My thoughts dwelled upon work and all the new projects the company had taken on. I’d be kept busy for quite a while. Probably for the best. I purposefully stirred my thought away from Kate seeing her. Better to just let myself be in the moment.

My vigil near the door carried past two when the agreed upon time had been one thirty. My coffee depleted I decided I wanted some air. I stepped outside and lit up a cigarette. The warmth and savory taste of the tobacco sent a pleasurable shiver down my spine.

“You agreed to quit.” Kate’s voice cut through my calm like a scalpel.

“You agreed to be on time.” I retorted taking another pull.

“Do you really think that smoking in front of a Panera is a good idea?”

I stomped out the light unwilling to put up any more of a fight over my bad habit. I found my way back to the table while Kate ordered herself a coffee. She joined me at the table and took a sip. We sat there like teenagers on their first date, unsure of what to say and who should to talk first.

I broke the silence, “What are we doing here Kate?”

“We are here to talk about what happened.”

“Why?”

“Well for starters we never talked about it.” She replied. “You left without a word. Kate, or anyone for that matter, didn’t seem to understand my decision to just extract myself from her life and her from mine had been the only way I had managed not to erupt. She had wanted me to get angry, well, I of course had been. But shouting it out with her could have led to something far worse. No contact of any kind just seemed so efficient; like a clean cut.

“I thought that was what you wanted.” I managed an outward calm while my insides called for a shouting match to begin. To them there was no doubt who would be the victor.

“No of course that wasn’t what I wanted. I don’t know what I wanted, but you just ejected yourself from my life like some sort of escape pod.”

I failed to keep from smiling, “Wow a sci-fi reference. Did you practice that one before coming?”

The question made her blush, “I might have.” She replied her smile showing perfect white teeth. The color in her cheeks complemented her light red freckles. She wore her red hair long and straight. It rested upon her shoulders framing her angular face with its small sharp nose and high cheek bones. Her fragrance filled my nostrils with its intoxicating aroma of peppermint. I looked at her eyes bewitched by the spell of their mischievous green light. A realization finally made its way past my cheesy and predictable thoughts.

“You want to get back together.” I exclaimed breaking her spell. “You’re wearing my favorite perfume and I nearly just fell for it.”

“Jensen, of course, I want us back together. I realized what a mistake I had made, but you never gave me a chance to say so.” she said soothingly.

“Unbelievable, So you think after what happened we can just, what? Ignore it?”

“No I do not expect that.” Her voice forcefully carried over my indignant protest. “I regret very much what I did. I know it must have wounded you deeply and I apologize for every bit of it. But I thought we should discuss the possibility of trying to fix this.”

“By possibility you mean an actual attempt at fixing it though don’t you?”

“Yes, that is what I want.” She continued without letting me reply, “We were good together. I was happy, happier than I realized and I am so sorry I ruined that.”

I took a breath, but didn’t respond so she filled the silence.

“You were happy too weren’t you?”

The question eviscerated my inflated ego which had been calling for an insidious and spiteful retort. My hands clenched into fists and my throat choked. I had spent our two weeks apart smothering all the good feelings I had for Kate. Here though they all came flooding back.

“Yeah, I was happy Kate. Probably the happiest I’ve ever been with anyone.” The honest answer came out in a cracked voice.

“So,” she spoke hey eyes wet, “What do you say should we fix this?”